Why ‘‘relaxing’’ isn’t always relaxing.

You surely know that becoming more resilient to stress is a skill that will have a knock-on effect on many areas of your life, from the professional sphere through relationships to your physical health.

I bet that you heard a gazillion times that stress increases the risk of heart disease. But it does much more than that. The survival mode lowers immunity and impairs digestive function, sexual function, and anything else that is not the most important for survival in the face of a mortal threat. The list of stress-induced or stress-aggravated illnesses and dysfunctions is very long.

Stress also increases pain sensitivity, especially in those already suffering from chronic pain. Parasympathetic activity (hanging out in the rest-and-restore mode of the nervous system) positively correlates with pain inhibition capacities. In other words, you feel less pain when in the rest-and-restore mode.

Ok, but how to avoid stress? Is it even possible?

It's not as ''simple'' as quitting smoking or changing diet. You can't have a stress-free lifestyle in the modern world.

Stress is a sympathetic nervous system response, the necessary activation, preparing the organism for fight or flight in response to a perceived danger.

Every organism strives for balance, a state of homeostasis. Hanging out in the fight/flight mode ALL the time doesn't give a body or the mind the chance to recover. The nervous system becomes dysregulated.

How can you restore that balance? Try to include as many moments in the rest-and-restore mode (parasympathetic response) as possible. ''Fighting'' the stress response is not the point. It has to have space to play out. Turning a bit of that sympathetic response helps you to sound enthusiastic and energetic during an important talk, for example. But then, the down-regulation should follow. If you keep worrying hours later whether you sounded confident enough, this is where you're doing yourself a disfavour. A well-regulated nervous system switches smoothly between the states of activation and de-activation.

There are multiple ways to down-regulate the nervous system. Some might work for you, and some might have the opposite effect. There is no one-size-fits-all solution.

Some people find boring or annoying all the ''calming'' practices, such as yoga or meditation. They get impatient, irritable, and restless when encouraged to stay in stillness and silence. If you dig deeper, you can often find under distaste for everything slow and mindful fear of being alone with yourself.

Most people go through life distracting themselves with various activities. For some, it's daydreaming. For others, it's moving around. It has nothing to do with your temperament or whether you're extra- or introvert. You might love to be alone at home. But what do you do when you're on your own? Listen to the music? Read? You're still not allowing yourself to be with yourself, then.

If you were shown from an early age that you matter only as much as you do for others, not doing anything will be torture. But it can change once you get to the source of this false assumption that doesn't allow you to truly rest. Recognise it and let it be heard. So long as you refrain from judgments and setting goals, every attempt will make resting easier.

If you weren't in the parasympathetic (rest and restore) mode for years or even decades, you would find it strange. The process of regulation of the nervous system involves normalising both rest and activation. Sometimes the activation needs to be normalised, too. That is particularly relevant if you suffer from depression or chronic fatigue.

OK, so what exactly can bring you into that parasympathetic mode? You can find many examples (such as this and this) on my YouTube channel. Remember, it's not a mechanistic technique. Your attitude is as important as the chosen method itself.

PS. If you’re looking for a more systemic approach, jump on my waiting list for the next edition of the Heal from Within program to regulate your nervous system and deal with chronic pain and the accumulative effects of chronic stress.