You have the power!

If you think you can change the circumstances around you – forget it. It's not going to happen. You could force, threaten, blackmail or beg others to do something. But your influence will always be limited.

Does it mean that there is no point to try change anything? Is your life already written by fate?

It's not that simple.

Your power lies in the choice of reaction. It applies to the vast majority of situations. Trauma occurs when you’re deprived of that choice. You’re powerless as a baby/child or because you face extreme violence. But, on a daily basis, you have ample opportunities to respond. 

Have you ever noticed that the same person who annoys you isn't causing any distress to others? You could believe the problem is in that person. That this person is mean or disrespectful. Or you could acknowledge that you have a problem with that person. This person triggers some reaction in you. 

Let me tell you the story of Anna.

‘‘I gave you life, and you can’t even give me a cake? Don’t I deserve it?’’ -
Anna was listening to the sobs of her mother over the phone.
Anna’s mother, Mary called her to say she can’t stand being treated with so much disrespect. A day before, Anna made a cake for her mother-in-law (who visited from Germany). Mary felt hurt and unappreciated because Anna didn’t offer her this cake when she popped in for her regular weekly visit.

Sounds extreme? I'm sure you have seen similar if not so stark examples. 

Whenever you feel someone disrespects you, try asking yourself a simple question. Why? How come somebody's action could shake your sense of worth (as that's what respect is about)? Perhaps it's your self-worth that's fragile. And needs constant validation not to come crashing down. If something in your childhood made you feel unworthy, you would see proof of ‘disrespect’ all around you. 

You could do the same experiment with anger. It will turn out that you're angry because somebody didn't do what you told him or expected him to do. And that hurt your sense of self-worth.
''If he doesn't quit smoking, he doesn't love me.''
''She didn't help me, so she doesn't care about me.''
There might be millions of reasons why someone wouldn't do what you hoped, expected or asked for. 

Maybe something urgent stopped him. Maybe she has forgotten. Maybe she's very inefficient and can’t cope with too many tasks. 

You get the point. 

But there is a way to stop those unhelpful patterns. You will become truly powerful when you stop reacting on autopilot and consciously respond instead.

How to do it? First of all, you need to be aware.
I had to realise that the feeling of utter helplessness I get when somebody doesn't play by the rules or does something UNFAIR, transports me back to childhood.

When I was travelling in Asia, I often got triggered by locals 'cheating me'.

Once, when I was in Vietnam, an elderly vendor charged me double for her sweets. She increased the price because she knew the price difference couldn't matter to me. She was simply acting rationally. Not because she was evil to the core, or because she wanted to deceive me out of spite. At that time, I was still unaware of my pattern. I got angry, angry from helplessness. 

If I realised it was MY pattern, I would have the power to choose. I could accept or decline the purchase, rather than take it personally. I would not play a victim. I obviously couldn't force this woman to pay the 'fair' price. But overcoming a very unhelpful pattern would be a much bigger gain than getting a 'fair deal'.

You can express your agency also on the mat.

Recently I wrote about intuitive movement as a way to do what your body needs. Intuition means you keep your conscious mind on standby for a moment. You bypass it to let the body decide itself.

When you attend any led class, you have two options: 

• to follow blindly whatever the teacher tells you to do

• to filter it through what feels right for you

I definitely encourage you to go for the second option.
Let's assume you told your teacher about your past injuries or that you have a headache. He learned what would be the best solution in such a case from his own teacher. But he's missing crucial data. Your teacher doesn't know how it feels in your body. His suggestion might be helpful. Fantastic. Go for it. But it's equally probable it will feel forced, somehow jarring, uncomfortable. 

It takes great courage to consciously and openly ignore the teacher if he phrased it as an instruction. Who knows? He might even perceive it as a threat to his ego. And scold you or tell you to leave. If it ever happens, treat it as a warning sign.

A good teacher will give you a choice. Offer you a guideline, a suggestion. And always leave the gate of the agency open for you. 

It’s very tempting to treat the teacher as an ultimate authority. It's more convenient to do what you’re told. It takes far less effort than working out what you need. Paying attention to what’s happening within your internal landscape isn't always pleasant. If you follow instructions, you can also escape the responsibility for your own actions.
''The teacher told me to do it''
''I hurt myself, so it's the teacher's fault''
– you can always say to yourself.

But is it really the teacher’s fault? I don't talk about extreme cases when the teacher would push you forcefully into a pose, causing an injury.

Apart from that, you are responsible for your body. If you push and force, you're likely to pay consequences for that somewhere along the line. Your teacher might have somehow encouraged you to push beyond your limits as you tried to become 'better' at some pose. But nobody has done it TO you. 

The Vietnamese vendor didn't make me angry. I got angry with her. Did the Sivananda style hurt me? Well, how come it didn't harm any of my students? Let's be honest, Swami Vishnudevananda didn't rise from the dead to push me into the forward fold day after day. I hurt myself. 

Now, when I listen to my intuition, I can’t possibly do myself any harm. I trust other teachers when I attend a led class. I'm open and curious to try out whatever they suggest. I avoid prejudices. But if something feels wrong, I skip it. Always. 

The agency is liberating. It gives you the power of choice. On and off the mat. But it also comes with the courage to take responsibility for your actions.

Ask yourself why you're following the instructions. What would happen if you didn't do it? Are you afraid to be judged by others? To hurt the teacher's feelings? Of failure? 

And wouldn't it be really liberating to do it anyway?

It's your choice.