Say NO. With the benefit of all.
Saying NO isn't selfish. It's a life-saver and your chance to help others most efficiently and with the best intentions.
Self-care is the subject that has recently been very much on my mind. I've explored it with my students during recent programs and retreats. But I also dive into understanding what is a genuine self-care for me. After a bit of reflection, self-care has a lot to do with setting healthy boundaries.
It's a bit unfortunate that the word ‘‘boundary’’ projects the vision of separation and limitation. On the contrary, the ability to draw your boundaries with clarity and stick to them improves your life and relationships with others.
Let me give you the most common example of how the lack of boundaries affects your levels of nourishment and care. You might feel solely responsible for the well-being of others: maybe your children or elderly parents, perhaps (if you're a teacher) your students. As you've never drawn clear boundaries for them, naturally, they draw from you like from a bottomless vessel.
The trouble is that you have limited resources and a limited amount of energy. If you help out knowing you're already on your credit account, you will start feeling resentment. It's inevitable. You will act out of compulsion and duty rather than compassion. Worse still, you might feel anger and frustration when you help out.
And that will lead you to guilt and shame. All those emotions will get bottled up, suppressed, and stored in your body. Until the body itself will say NO. It will just say: sorry, I had enough- I can't do it anymore. Your body will place the boundaries where you were unable to set them yourself.
Do you remember the safety instructions on the plane? First, use the oxygen yourself, then attend to your child. Without having that oxygen yourself, you won't be able to save the child.
Helping as a coping mechanism boils down to two things:
fear of judgment from others
guilt and shame (self-judgment)
Try to check your intentions every time you say YES. Notice what your body tells you when you're just about to say yes. Placing your needs last is an ingrained habit that will take a lot of awareness and time to change. Noticing the consequences of every YES and NO you utter might be the first step in that direction.
You can ask yourself: What would be the quality of help you offer if you were full of energy, and exuded calmness and compassion? And how would it be if you were stressed out, resentful, and physically and emotionally depleted?
We tend to imagine that saying ''no'' will be taken as offensive. On the contrary, realistically measuring your ability to help can be a far more appreciated response.
You can estimate how much balance in terms of giving and taking is in your life with a simple exercise.
On one piece of paper, write the list of things that nourish you, give you energy, calm you down, and bring you contentment.
On the second piece of paper, write the list of things that deplete you.
Notice how many items are on each list, how often you do them
Check what you can eliminate from your depletion list. Or at least reduce. And make a conscious effort to create the time for the things that nourish you.
I shall add that intention and mental state DURING nourishing activities matter most here. It won't be particularly helpful if you force yourself to rest yet feel guilty about it. The time for self-care is not an item on a to-do list. It's your commitment to show yourself kindness that you deserve just as much as those whom you're helping.
If carving that time out means drawing boundaries on the time for others - so be it. You might experience plenty of internal and external backlash at first. But give it a try: the benefit for all parties will soon become apparent.
PS. If you’d like to book out time for the ultimate nourishment, sign up for the Deep Nourishment Retreat in Catalonia on 10th - 13th May 2024.
It might be the most important investment in your self-care next year.